Tomorrow is Easter Sunday and actually it is 2:37 AM on March 31. Need to get ready for Wednesday and showing up at 1:30 at Kaiser. I hope that I have made the right decision. This is another big step in the journey. I am committed to sustaining the program.
Yes, we have been in town all day. Kent had a 9 AM appt. with a client on
a house he has sold and another signature was needed. By 10 AM we were in Bed,
Bath and Beyond looking for some items on my list. We got out of there
unscathed! then off to Anna Miller’s for breakfast, but the lines outside were
terrible so we ended up at a breakfast crepe place that couldn’t hold a candle
to the one we enjoyed in Manoa a few years ago.
The day slipped away quickly
and we ended up by noon at Home World, looking for a Lamp with enough light for
Kent’s desk. found it! the salesman drove me crazy, hovering around us like an
annoying gnat. He was really getting on my nerves, especially since I told him
the second I walked in the door that I was not looking for anything in
particular, knew the store well did not need anything but wanted to
update, take inventory and enjoy walking around with my husband. He kept
chiming in and making comments and trying to engage us.
For some reason, I nearly lost it. I finally turned to him and as politely
as I could told him that I had expressly requested that he leave us to enjoy
looking by ourselves, and that his following us around was really unsettling to
me since I had already requested and made it clear that we wanted to be by
ourselves. He was never impolite but just there at every turn. He apologized
and said that management gets on his case, big time if he does not show his
customers around and be nearby to answer their questions. I jokingly told him
that he should be reassured that if I wanted to purchase something, I would
definitely request him and not go to another sales person. So, I said “SIT”
right here on the couch. He said he could not do that. And we continued to
shop without his hovering. He found another customer and when we needed him for
the lamp we went to him. I asked Kent if I was polite enough just to check
myself and he said yes. Boy, I would hate to be a salesperson in that store.
Anyway, we got to Mike’s house and met him just as he was returning from a
flight and then taking Hiroko to work. We were pretty tired by this time. Kent
sat on the couch and he was finished. He wakened by 4 PM, Mike has fallen
asleep next to the baby on their bed while feeding him a bottle. I lingered in
the rocking chair and watched their newly installed DSL service. Kent woke up,
I took his place on the couch and slept till 5:45 just as the kitchen design
team arrived to measure for their kitchen cabinet wall that will extend into the
living room. I got up, did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen and then we
went to dinner at Angelo Pietro’s a Japanese, Italian combo that we have loved
forever. Before you knew it, it was 8:50 and time to get Hiroko. Geez, we
don’t know how the time flies. We decided to drive home and meet up again on
Tues. to help him with the linen closet he is reconstructing. Their new fridge
is in, the door to the bedroom from the kitchen and a lot more put away. They
have as much clutter as I do with the many possessions we just can’t seem to
part with. So easy to get rid of someone else’s stuff.
,
I find it curious that Matt indicates according to my friend, Jan that he has not heard from us. I
think of him often, and sometimes have my hand on the phone to call him or to
send him a FB request, but then pull back because he was so adamant about being
disgusted with us and really did not want to have anything to do with us
anymore. I took that as a signal to leave him alone until he was ready to make
contact again. This will be the third time in his life that he has alientaed himslf from us. Once was for four years! What is that? He said that he would keep in touch, but I have never heard
anything from him, nor has Benjamin. Kent received a funny joke type email from
Matt about 6 months ago, so I responded a few months later with a neutral joke
and passed it along, but no response from him. He always wants us to solicit
him and come to him.
I feel sorry for him but have had to protect myself from the yoyo emotions
that ensue when he gets into my soft side. He has accused me of horrible things
that are not true and does not hesitate to recount his litany of accusations to
members of the family, his brothers and my parents when they were alive. He
knows that Michael has always been a soft touch and Mike is now grown and sees
through Matthew and as a result Matt no longer is a big brother to Michael in
that he no longer admires or looks up to him because he has seen too much.
Interesting, because Mike brought up the way Matt is tonight and basically said
that it is so sad that Matt is so twisted. He puts on a good act for most
people. He had me convinced of his stability and maturity for a long time and
then he blows up in our faces. I don’t need or want the drama, none of us do.
I asked him if he would keep in touch and he said he would. I guess, again, he
realizes that in the end, all we have is our family or adopted friends to take
the place of a family that does not suit us. I appreciate you letting me know
that Matthew is still around and OK, but I don’t know if he will ever examine
himself enough again to make things right with me or us. I love him, he is my
precious first born who I fought tooth and nail to protect and give every
opportunity for success in his life. The ball is in his court. He knows how to
call, email, and invite me to join him on FB, but Matthew is still Matthew. I
have no reason to believe that he is not still unstable and volatile and steeped
in the belief that I have in some way harmed him, drugged him and God know what
else. I don’t want the pain or the hurt he has repeatedly caused me. Sorry,
you know that I am a very soft and loving person and turn myself inside out to
help my family and children. I can’t take the grief anymore. As with
forgiveness and making peace in our lives with those we love, sometimes we can
do that and not pursue a continued relationship. I know it is best that we
remain comfortably apart and cordial but no longer close ( were we ever or was that just my illusion) as I had always wanted
with all my children. Michael and Hiroko are so natural and easy to be with and
they too have their opinions and feelings that differ from ours but we are easy
with each other and accepting, not critical or judgmental. Benjamin does not
brook any interference that Matthew has tried to throw in his path. He feels as
does Mike that Matthew has belittled them, intimidated them, bullied them
psychologically and demeaned them in sufficient ways to no longer want to relate
to him. I wish this were not so, but that is our reality.
I know that this is really inappropriate a letter but I am a communicator
and it has felt good to remind myself of why we are not in touch with Matthew.
It is a relief to not have the unsettled and eggshell relationship of the past.
Why renew something that has meant nothing but pain?
I wish my son a life of peace and happiness. That can be pursued without us being a part of it. Only God knows why.
May the memories or understanding of Jesus suffering on our behalf guide us to be more appreciative, better human beings each and every day. This journey through life is feeling like it has come too close to the end for me. I can see the Valley below and the downhill slide is increasing. We thought we would be forever young and now I know that it is through Jesus Christ that we will in fact be eternally young in the next estate.
Bonnie
