August 2013

I see the end of Summer fast approaching.  Although endless summer is our lot in Hawaii, it is a boon for me because I am walking almost normally after a 2.5 year ankle injury that has been so deblilitating.  TG for the essential oils.  No wonder I have heard the reference to being an "OILER".  I could study all day and not get bored.  Balance and order in my day is becoming so necessary for a sense of accomplishment and improved health.  We are consulting and learning and aligning ourselves with so many wonderful like minded folk who pursue a clean, green, healthier lifestyle and that inspiration and encouragement from one another is so satisfying. 

Personal discipline is not my forte.  Neither in the areas of routine, and same, same every day.  That will be my Waterloo! 

FALL (is) Back 2013

Turning 69 in Sept. was a day I could forget.  Benjamin softened the blow by asking what we were going to do this year for my "Birthday week" since he knows I usually  "milk it" for all it's worth. 

I had to chuckle to think that he finally got it a little late.

 

I actually feel the change in the "seasons" here, though they are subtle. It must be old programming from 30 years on the East Coast. By Sept. as the Earth's tilt causes a change in our exposure to the sun and the air becomes more misty and school starts the entire feeling changes. Mornings are cooler and I start thinking about Fall and my memories of teaching and hearing the kids on our little lane hurrying and piling into their parent's car remind me of so many great experiences. By October, I am looking for excuses to change my household decor and ready my "Hazel witch" for her big reveal. I have my mother's antique cauldron and Hazel sits atop a Pumpkin with her broom(s) and autumn leaves (fake). This year I added a big ceramic Toad from my garden. A sign behind her reads. "Witch parking only, all others will be TOAD!" I really need to learn how to add photos and stop relying on Benjamin. It rains on cue every Halloween so that adds to the Fall feeling. Now the leaves are falling off my Plumeria trees and the Palm fronds are adding to the debris on the ground. The air changes throughout the day. August is our hottest month and I welcome Sept. What I love best is that the evenings are balmy and have a slight breeze and we can sit on the lanai and relax 'till all hours with friends. By November it is still comfortably warm and we enjoy a Thanksgiving dinner with the doors open and never feel a chill. I have planted my Fall flowers and changed the colors from the Vinca pastels to the oranges and russets of Chrysanthemums and marigolds along our walkway. December is already getting cooler with more rain. We call it Island snow and it is so fine, it glistens as we drive at night. Sadly, all the stores are completely decorated with Christmas now. Our grandbaby Ken will be two on Dec. 22nd and I want to decorate this year since I abandoned the thought last year. He'll have his first distinct impression/ memory of Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Instead of "over the river and through the woods" it will be over the mountain and rivers and through the tunnel and up the Windward Coast to Grandparent's home in the country by the beach! Just talking about it has gotten me all enthused about the Holidays. Mahalo for the reminder of seasonal change, Hawaiian style. <3 font="">

 

Two of my college roommates from the mainland, Barbara (Tony) and Sherron (Terry) as well as Ronnie (Clarence) from Makakilo have been spending a lot of time together since Barbara and Tony have rented a home or a month nearby. 

All of us got together at Wet and Wild yesterday.  That capped off our Summer fun!

 

 

A Borrowed sentiment beautifully expressed

The Armor We Can Give Our Children

Posted on April 1, 2013 by Rachel Macy Stafford

The ocean water was barely 55 degrees, but yet my daughter ventured out each day of our vacation bravely pushing aside her fear of hungry sharks, poisonous jellyfish, and chattering teeth to ride the waves.
And she wanted me to watch her.
The girl who had packed her own suitcase, applied her own sunscreen, and made strawberry smoothies for the entire family that very morning still hungered for her mother’s eyes when she battled the waves. There was no denying this child had changed since our last trip to the beach, but there were still remnants of the little girl who needed her mom.

Later that evening, my daughter’s upper body ached from her innovative boogie board maneuvers so I gently rubbed her shoulders. That’s when she asked me the meaning of a specific profane word. It was a heavy, heavy word that opened doors into an adult world. I had anticipated this moment, but yet I stood there feeling dry-mouthed and ill-prepared.
My eyes nervously darted to a generic picture of seashells that hung on the wall above my child’s head. I thought about subtly switching topics. Even though she’s almost ten, I knew I could still distract her with talk of rescuing beached starfish or the making of saltwater taffy.
But I glanced back at my child – who was looking less like a child with each passing day – and saw an open window. She was letting me in. Her eyes were looking into mine for answers.
I sat down on the edge of her bed, and as much as I wanted to avoid her gaze, I didn’t. I looked straight into chocolaty brown eyes alive with curiosity and told her the truth. The words felt awkward coming from my lips, as if I were speaking a foreign language. But I told her what she needed to know, in words she could understand.
Surprisingly, my child did not look away in embarrassment as I did when I learned such things. Her eyes rolled upward thoughtfully as if reaching back into her brain to make sense of it all.
I assured her that when my parents educated me on these important life topics (sometimes referred to as “the birds and the bees”) I felt a little awkward. But it didn’t appear that she felt the least bit uncomfortable. In fact, my daughter asked more questions—openly, maturely, frankly. I had read somewhere it was better to address these uncomfortable topics when children are not so self-conscious or easily embarrassed. This notion seemed to be true with my child. The window was open—and she had invited me in.
As I slowly doled out bits of information, I envisioned each one as a piece of armor—each fact making her a little stronger, a bit more aware, a little more prepared to navigate a fast world that could be devastating, alarming, and cruel to young people trying to find their way.
And since the window was open, I offered more—more armor, more substance, and more wisdom to equip her.
I said, “I believe knowledge is power. I don’t want you to be the person sitting in the group who doesn’t know what other kids are talking about. I don’t want you to be unaware of the dangers that come with risky behaviors. Because sometimes kids are misinformed. They might tell you something that they think is true, but it might not be. If there is something you don’t understand or a word someone says that is unfamiliar, you can come and ask me. I will tell you the truth. I will give you the facts. Because when you have the facts, you are more likely to make smart choices with your body and your life.”
I described some real life examples from both the news and my own personal experience when young people’s lives drastically changed because of the choices they made.
I smoothed a few of her fly away, sun-bleached hairs and concluded our talk with the most important thing I could say to my child. “No matter what circumstance you find yourself in, know that your dad and I will always, always love you and we will face any problems together.”
She smiled warmly, “Okay, Mama.” And then as if to tell me that was enough information for one night, she whispered, “I’m sleepy now.”
I held my breath as she climbed into bed and pulled the covers to her chin. I feared that this new knowledge would instantly age her.
“Can we go to the beach again tomorrow, Mama? I want to catch a big wave on my board!” But just like that, she was nine again.
That night I had trouble sleeping. Our talk had drudged up painful memories from my own preteen and teen years. I reviewed our discussion in my head hoping I had made it clear that she could come to me with anything. As if on cue, a scream of “Mama!” violently punctured the silence of our vacation rental.
But it was not the voice of my oldest child; it was my 6-year-old. I ran to her bedside and instinctively put a cool hand on her forehead. “What is it, honey?” I asked softly.
“You know that little tiny elf that visited Grandma and Grandpa’s house last Christmas?” she asked in a semi-delirious state.
I nodded. How could I forget? I had never seen two children so delighted by the sight of a semi-creepy doll unexpectedly perched in a high, humanly-unreachable location.
“Do you think the elf will come back next Christmas?” my child asked earnestly.
I couldn’t help but smile. In contrast to the questions her sister asked mere hours before, these questions were quite enjoyable—even at midnight. “Yes. Yes. I do believe the elf will come back,” I said with absolute certainty.
And with that peaceful assurance from her mother, the curly-haired child drifted back to sleep.
I felt my eyes well up with tears. Yep. The line is mighty fine. You know, the line children cross when they go from believing in all things magical to facing the harsh realities of the adult world, including drugs, alcohol, pregnancy, and peer acceptance—just to name a few critical issues.
As I watched my youngest child’s dark lashes flutter in the midst of a whimsical dream, I was never more certain of my role in my children’s lives.
When they cross over from the child world to the adult world, I want to be there. I want to cross that line with them, or at least be there to accept the invitation when the window is open and they ask me to come in.
So I will watch her when she asks me to count how many waves she rides.
And I will talk to her while she makes her strawberry smoothies.
And I will rub her back when she has trouble falling asleep.
And I will give her truth when she asks questions that have no easy answers.
I will try my best to be a constant presence, an every day parent, not just showing up for performances and holidays.
My child is going to have to brave the world whether I like it or not. I wouldn’t expect her to battle the ocean without proper skills, knowledge, and equipment – and I won’t expect her to navigate the world without them either.
Therefore, I vow to give her many pieces of protective armor—armor that comes from daily offerings of parental presence, wisdom, and unconditional love. So that if one day, God forbid, she finds herself drowning, she’ll have the strength to call my name.


*********************************************************
When I think about today’s culture that our children must grow up in, it is difficult for me not to become angered, saddened, scared, and frustrated. Arming my children with knowledge, support, and love is what I’ve chosen to do instead of simply feeling helpless. I often refer to a line I wrote in a post entitled, XO Before You Go: “While I cannot control what happens once they leave my side, I can control what happens in those sacred minutes before we say good-bye.”
What are the ways you have prepared your children (or will prepare them) for the adult world? How were you prepared? I cherish your presence, insight, and encouragement on this journey to grasp what matters in life. Thank you for reading my stories and being a part of The Hands Free Revolution. I am grateful for each of you.
 
 

I was only ten years old also when I first heard about the "birds and the bees" from a fellow patient in the Children's Country Home in Westfield, N.J.  Those were  my first steps into the adult world and I remember how sweetly and simply my mother explained the truth to me, the real truth.  I remember saying Yuck!  and then went on to be Bonnie the ten year old child.  TG for intelligent, practical minded parents like mine who kept life simple and in persprective.  This article so reminded me of my youth at age ten, reveling in the sand and sea at our Summer Beach home on the Jersey shore.  Collecting giant blue claw crabs, with a safety pin at the end of a heavy string with my trusty net.  Returning home to my Mom's boiling pot, ready to recieve my bounty.  Such sweet youth and a doorway to the adult world.  What a journey!

Coutdown to Wednesday April 3, 2013

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday and actually it is 2:37 AM on  March 31.  Need to get ready for Wednesday and showing up at 1:30 at Kaiser.  I hope that I have made the right decision.  This is another big step in the journey.  I am committed to sustaining the program.

Yes, we have been in town all day. Kent had a 9 AM appt. with a client on a house he has sold and another signature was needed. By 10 AM we were in Bed, Bath and Beyond looking for some items on my list. We got out of there unscathed! then off to Anna Miller’s for breakfast, but the lines outside were terrible so we ended up at a breakfast crepe place that couldn’t hold a candle to the one we enjoyed in Manoa a few years ago.

 

The day slipped away quickly and we ended up by noon at Home World, looking for a Lamp with enough light for Kent’s desk. found it! the salesman drove me crazy, hovering around us like an annoying gnat. He was really getting on my nerves, especially since I told him the second I walked in the door that I was not looking for anything in particular, knew the store well did not need anything but wanted to update, take inventory and enjoy walking around with my husband. He kept chiming in and making comments and trying to engage us.

For some reason, I nearly lost it. I finally turned to him and as politely as I could told him that I had expressly requested that he leave us to enjoy looking by ourselves, and that his following us around was really unsettling to me since I had already requested and made it clear that we wanted to be by ourselves. He was never impolite but just there at every turn. He apologized and said that management gets on his case, big time if he does not show his customers around and be nearby to answer their questions. I jokingly told him that he should be reassured that if I wanted to purchase something, I would definitely request him and not go to another sales person. So, I said “SIT” right here on the couch. He said he could not do that. And we continued to shop without his hovering. He found another customer and when we needed him for the lamp we went to him. I asked Kent if I was polite enough just to check myself and he said yes. Boy, I would hate to be a salesperson in that store.

 

 Anyway, we got to Mike’s house and met him just as he was returning from a flight and then taking Hiroko to work. We were pretty tired by this time. Kent sat on the couch and he was finished. He wakened by 4 PM, Mike has fallen asleep next to the baby on their bed while feeding him a bottle. I lingered in the rocking chair and watched their newly installed DSL service. Kent woke up, I took his place on the couch and slept till 5:45 just as the kitchen design team arrived to measure for their kitchen cabinet wall that will extend into the living room. I got up, did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen and then we went to dinner at Angelo Pietro’s a Japanese, Italian combo that we have loved forever. Before you knew it, it was 8:50 and time to get Hiroko. Geez, we don’t know how the time flies. We decided to drive home and meet up again on Tues. to help him with the linen closet he is reconstructing. Their new fridge is in, the door to the bedroom from the kitchen and a lot more put away. They have as much clutter as I do with the many possessions we just can’t seem to part with. So easy to get rid of someone else’s stuff.

,

I find it curious that Matt indicates according to my friend, Jan that he has not heard from us. I think of him often, and sometimes have my hand on the phone to call him or to send him a FB request, but then pull back because he was so adamant about being disgusted with us and really did not want to have anything to do with us anymore. I took that as a signal to leave him alone until he was ready to make contact again.  This will be the third time in his life that he has alientaed himslf from us.  Once was for four years!  What is that?  He said that he would keep in touch, but I have never heard anything from him, nor has Benjamin. Kent received a funny joke type email from Matt about 6 months ago, so I responded a few months later with a neutral joke and passed it along, but no response from him. He always wants us to solicit him and come to him.

I feel sorry for him but have had to protect myself from the yoyo emotions that ensue when he gets into my soft side. He has accused me of horrible things that are not true and does not hesitate to recount his litany of accusations to members of the family, his brothers and my parents when they were alive. He knows that Michael has always been a soft touch and Mike is now grown and sees through Matthew and as a result Matt no longer is a big brother to Michael in that he no longer admires or looks up to him because he has seen too much. Interesting, because Mike brought up the way Matt is tonight and basically said that it is so sad that Matt is so twisted. He puts on a good act for most people. He had me convinced of his stability and maturity for a long time and then he blows up in our faces.  I don’t need or want the drama, none of us do. I asked him if he would keep in touch and he said he would. I guess, again, he realizes that in the end, all we have is our family or adopted friends to take the place of a family that does not suit us. I appreciate you letting me know that Matthew is still around and OK, but I don’t know if he will ever examine himself enough again to make things right with me or us. I love him, he is my precious first born who I fought tooth and nail to protect and give every opportunity for success in his life. The ball is in his court. He knows how to call, email, and invite me to join him on FB, but Matthew is still Matthew. I have no reason to believe that he is not still unstable and volatile and steeped in the belief that I have in some way harmed him, drugged him and God know what else. I don’t want the pain or the hurt he has repeatedly caused me. Sorry, you know that I am a very soft and loving person and turn myself inside out to help my family and children. I can’t take the grief anymore. As with forgiveness and making peace in our lives with those we love, sometimes we can do that and not pursue a continued relationship. I know it is best that we remain comfortably apart and cordial but no longer close ( were we ever or was that just my illusion) as I had always wanted with all my children. Michael and Hiroko are so natural and easy to be with and they too have their opinions and feelings that differ from ours but we are easy with each other and accepting, not critical or judgmental. Benjamin does not brook any interference that Matthew has tried to throw in his path. He feels as does Mike that Matthew has belittled them, intimidated them, bullied them psychologically and demeaned them in sufficient ways to no longer want to relate to him. I wish this were not so, but that is our reality.

I know that this is really inappropriate a letter but I am a communicator and it has felt good to remind myself of why we are not in touch with Matthew. It is a relief to not have the unsettled and eggshell relationship of the past. Why renew something that has meant nothing but pain?

 

I wish my son a life of peace and happiness.  That can be pursued without us being a part of it.  Only God knows why.

 

May the memories or understanding of Jesus suffering on our behalf guide us to be more appreciative,  better human beings each and every day.  This journey through life is feeling like it has come too close to the end for me.   I can see the Valley below and the downhill slide is increasing.  We thought we would be forever young and now I know that it is through Jesus Christ that we will in fact be eternally young in the next estate. 

 

Bonnie

Spring has Sprung

Here we are again welcoming Spring, the Easter Bunny and Easter this Sunday.  Mike and Hiroko will celebrate their fifth anniversary on March 27.  Baby Ken is walking more and more each day but often resorts to crawling.  He really is a willful little boy and gets easily insulted when we try to divert him from one activity or handling something that we want to get away from him.  He has four top teeth and four bottom and two 1st year molars.  He sure knows how to curl his lip to move from happy little boy to wounded and so hurt.  How can such a young human being learn so quickly to play on our sympathy and make us feel guilty for calling his bluff.  He has us fascinated and "gobsmacked".
Kent has, after three months finalized the negotiations for M and H's new Condo in Waikiki.  What an ordeal.  The contract from Hell.  The mainland bank and brokers were inefficient, strung them along and dilly dallied in their negotiations.  The aggravation is behind all of us now and many lessons learned.  Our son and daughter are making headway with renovations, a new 12' mirrored closet, doorway through to the bedroom from kitchen, thanks to Dave Hafele.  Ripped out cabinets on one kitchen wall and designing a 16' transition from Kitchen to Living room design.  Wow, it is so fun, yet exhausting doing all the running and planning.  I really should have been a designer.  So creative my juices do flow!  I need to keep the bit in my mouth and pull back on my own reins.  Their house, Bonnie!!!!!!
Benjamin may continue his employment with Oceanic or not.  The next four month bid leaves him with a split four hours on four off and four on again.  Saturdays and Sundays off.  It is a terrible schedule and torture.  Longs is openeing in July.  He could easily start with them and not have the long drive.  Money saved at the get go.  Life ain't fair.
I am having my WLS on Wednesday the 3rd of April.  I am hopeful for a great and sustained succesful outcome.  My overall health will improve if I survive.  No kidding, there is that risk.  I love my family and am so thankful for all of them, the lessons I have learned by being Kent's wife, Matthew's mother.  Benjamin my precious son who is so bright and capable and a square peg in a round hole.  There must be a square hole in this world somewhere for him.  He is brilliant in so many areas and has not found a fit for himself.  Mike who has accomplished a lot with his education also and thankfully can teach flight students.  I love my sweet natured and rosy baby boy who always had a smile on his face when he wakened in the morning.  Both degreed and both not working in their fields as the pilots they dreamed of being.  Matt will find his way through this earth life, but regrettably not in the fold of our family's love and concern.  He does not care for our way of life and the way we think or function.  He is content in his own realm and we in ours and I think we all finally figured out that never the twain will meet, again.  He needs to know that he was loved with all that I had to give and I never wished him or perpetrated any ill upon him.  I hope that someday he will come to know that truth and believe that.  His mind has been poisoned by an evil doer.
Baby Ken is baby Benjamin reincarnate.  Amazing genetic mix.  When I love him and hold him he feels like the baby Benjamin that was so darling.  I am so lucky to have been able to have three uniquely individual sons.  I love you all, and my most darling Kent.  How could God have blessed me so.  Even with all our differences and trials, I adore you, you are so precious to me and I feel that I am in the arms of my Heavenly Father when I am with you.  We were saved for each other, I believe that with all my heart.  Please forgive me for all the angst and disruption I have caused in your life.  I know you would have been so content with a simpler wife.  I never could have survived this life without you.  I hope that I have contributed in some positive ways to your growth and experiential range.  It has been an exciting run.  Thank you for loving me enough to risk the roller coaster ride.
I don't mean for this to sound like an ending, but hopefully a new beginning.  Renewed health and vitality will be ours in a few months when I am able to exercise and swim and walk and change the way we eat.  So with this long letter, I will add more in a while, probably in mid April.
Sayonara!
      

Pre- Christmas happenings 2012

What an amazing day we had on Friday, Dec. 7! Morning hunting for our son and daughter-in law's first home and making an offer with Dad, their realtor, in the afternoon! Parting company so the kids could attend their church Christmas party and Kent and I going to The Cheesecake factory in Waikiki, to enjoy Chicken Madeira and a slice of original cheesecake was our time to unwind. As we strolled...

back to the Royal Hawaiian where we parked, we noticed that the roads were blocked only to happily discover that the Pearl Harbor Day parade was about to begin. We had seats from a perfect vantage point and enjoyed all of the visiting bands from the mainland, the local armed services and of course our beloved, Royal Hawaiian Band! The Polynesian Cultural Center wowed the crowd with their amazing dancing and singing as did the Chief's Luau with fire knife dancing. It was the show of shows. We are so blessed to live in Hawaii, to be able to enjoy the glam and glitter of Waikiki and still live in the country near the North Shore. To honor our fallen soldiers and those still fighting for the freedom and values we hold dear is not the least of those blessings. What a way to start the weekend. We are slow to get the Christmas decorating done. though. Our rooftop airplane and landing strip needs more work! We'll miss being able to fly over the city to enjoy the Christmas lights, taking our little tours with friends and family again this year. Four more years of no fly zone and interrupted income for our sons' business. Thanks a lot big O.

SUMMER IN HAUULA

July 2012  Halfway through Summer

Summer is half over and I am still waiting for it to arrive.  I have come to the conclusion that as I slow down in life and am losing my perpetual "SPARKLE"  that Kent is falling in behind me.  He is a workhorse and thinks little of fun, play or entertainment since I am the one who has always been the creator and instigater.  I am not complaining mind you, but in a way I think that he is relieved and not even aware of it.  Always the dutiful husband and father, he is glad to come home, eat dinner and settle in to his scripture studies.  He teases that he is a facbook widow and I am now becoming the text widow.  Editing and adding are his pursuits at the computer.
We occasionally get to babysit our little KenKen who is very vocal now and totally attentive to everything around him.  He is eating squash and peas, and maybe more has been added this week.  He lets you know that the food is not going in fast enough.  His sounds are accompanied by louder complaints as we move from dish to mouth!  He rolls over and is working very hard to get his knees under him so he can propel forward.  Two little bottom teeth have broken through as of the last week of June.  He'll be 7 months old on July 22.  He would really love a turtle with wheels or a skateboard to drive himself around.
I want to digress to last Sunday when Kent said he was going to be speaking in church.  He often does not share what I think are important details about his life.  I asked who the other speakers are and he said the High Priests quorum presidency.  That went right over my head.  It turns out that he was called as a first counselor to President Martinez and so we had a very nice group of talks on the power and responsibility of the priesthood.  My attention was riveted for a change.  And there were no screaming children nearby.  We came home to our pre-cooked chicken dinner.  And I continued to assist Benjamin in getting over his 3 day battle with the flu, only to waken on Monday morning myself with fever and terrible sore throat.  I doused myself with the appropriate natural meds and doTerra oils and rested all day with little forays up and about to keep from becoming weak.  Feel rotten today with no fever so am restless to be up and functioning.  All in good time.  Kent said he would come home early.  Blessings.
Our son, Mike and Daughter Hiroko are at a loss as to what to do about their future.  He is not getting an airline job.  He has been called to teach Math again at Mc Kinley.  He has a flight student and expects to have more in the next few weeks, so that will become his second job.  Hiroko wants to purchase a home but first get out of Hawaii.  Focus is on a less expensive but affordable home.  She can transfer to Hilton in Vegas for example.  Her picture of married life has taken a decidedly distorted view from "Dad working and supporting and Mom home with the babies."  Moreover her Japaneses thinking and culture dictates that the man is the breadwinner.  It's difficult to let go of the dream and see how most people really live and survive.  We all like to remain in our mental bubble.
Accepting the alternatives is a bitter pill to swallow.
Simon as a doggy pet has become so mellow.  He will walk alongside us without a leash and get into the car after a few obligatory sniffs and markings.  No more is he inspired to dart to the beach with our futile calls and whistles after him.  We have concluded that he can read our minds.
Our home is a big responsibility and is feeling more and more like an insurmountable mountain.  I guess this has come about in the last year or so since my speed under foot is cut way down and endurance is nil.  Kim comes twice a week to deliver her amazing massages to keep my muscles relaxed and circulation flowing.  She is starting her Spa very soon and I will be her technical advisor and supervisor over the operation in exchange for the massages.  What a deal!..I love helping new, aspiring entrepeneurs.
What will be will be, Que Sera, Sera as Doris Day used to sing.  And on that note, Aloha until the next burst of writing inspiration flows to the top.